Friends Without Benefits

We spend time with people for a number of reasons. Sometimes we ourselves can't pinpoint a reason but we enjoy the person's company too greatly to feel a need to analyze why we are friends with them (I personally love when I'm happy being around someone but don't know why). Sometimes we know exactly why we let that person in our lives. I had a friend who shared an interest in arts and culture, and became the person I would go see plays with. We didn't have much in common outside of this interest.

There are times however, when a friendship offers no benefits. Spending time with the person doesn't make you feel enthusiastic or happy. You don't come away after seeing or talking to them feeling like your day is improved. You may no longer have things in common. Or you may feel drained at the very idea of even having to spend time with them. It's not that there's anything wrong with you or the person, but the friendship itself is no longer beneficial to you.

Both parties need to find value in a relationship in order for it to be positively maintained. But if your friendship is not offering you anything, you will be less inclined to want to keep that person as your friend.

It's usually a personal feeling if you are in a unbeneficial friendship. You simply feel unhappy or dissatisfied. But sometimes you don't know why. You know you don't want to talk to the person, but you're not sure why. Below are some common reasons for why people pull out of friendships.

• You no longer value the same things ie. you're more focused on school and your friend wants to party and meet people
• Your friend offers too much advice rather than just listening ie. you call to vent and it turns into therapy session where your friend tells you what they assume is wrong with you
• You're bored. ie you always do the same things and talk about the same things and it's become too routine
• You can't see eye on subjects. ie a simple discussion turns into a debate on whose way thinking is more correct
• You always feel you have to help 
• Your friend doesn't support your goals and dreams
• You went a considerable amount of time without talking and have gotten used to them not being around

You can add value back into a friendship. If you're bored try suggesting new things to do. If you know your friend and you argue over certain topics avoid those subjects, or try seeing things from their perspective. Doing this will give you some new insight. But if your frienship offers you very little and you don't see any way to feel happy in it then you may have to let it go. If something isn't adding positively to your life, it really has no business being there.

2 weeks to loose a friend?

A friend of mine once said something that I didn't believe at first: It only takes two weeks to loose a friend. 

He meant, if you don't make an effort to contact someone for a full two weeks, you're friendship has changed and chances are they aren't your friend anymore.

I disagreed because I thought of how there are some people that I don't see or talk to for over two weeks but they mean a lot to me.

But one day I noticed something...all the people I didn't talk to for more than two weeks were aquantainces not friends. I contact my friends at least once a week. I have a guy friend who lives very far (another country) but we text, everyday. If more than two days goes by without doing so it feels as if something is off with both of us.

I also noticed that what the guy meant was not that your friends vanish, but that the friendship is tested. If you think about it, 14 days is a long time to go without contacting someone you consider a  close friend. An aquataince may be excused, but not a friend. After 2 weeks it becomes harder to pick up the phone and contact the person. You wonder why they haven't made the effort; you wonder why you haven't. Often one party is avidly trying to stay in touch and the other side is just casually ignoring you (or maybe not so casually). 2 weeks turns into a month and as the days move on you realize, you aren't friends anymore and maybe you never were.

I don't like talking on the phone but I'll text my friends, email them, make a date to see them. If I don't, something is wrong.

Two weeks to loose a friend seems silly, but if you really think about it, unless you had some good reason, would you really want to go more than a few days without talking to someone you care about? Wouldn't you like to know how they are and update them on your own life?

I think in this day, with so many forms of communication, it seems odd that you wouldn't give a quick hello to someone...unless you didn't want to.