Tuesday Treasures

It has been a while since I posted some treasures in my life. May has been keeping me busy. I always find May to be a month that `blossoms` me.

It somehow wants me to reach my full potential and will throw a mix match of challenges at me, forcing me to try harder; try something new and keep going. By June I`m ready for a real vacation.

Somewhere between working hard, and complaining about all the work I have to do, I found time to go thrifting.

I bought Ernest Hemingway`s writings and a wool hat. The book was $2 and the hat was $1.50. If I get the time I can read and sport my new hat. I also made a dessert by putting frozen yogurt into a cord pear. It is delicious! 

How to achieve a balanced life

One of the most difficult things to do in life is to keep your life in balance. If you meet someone who looks as if all is going well for them, they are usually working very hard at it.

 General life obligations, and personal expectations make the art of living a very challenging one to master. Something in your life may be going great while another is part of your life is falling apart. And lets not forget the moments when it seem as if everything is crumbling around you.

Some people never feel in balance with their life. They never feel life hands them what they want, when they want it or they feel exhausted at constantly having to keep things in balance.

But if you look at people whose lives do look joyous, peaceful and balanced you may be see a some common elements.

1. They make themselves a priority. If you're always committing to others, never making time for yourself and the things that make you happy; if it's always your friends, kids, boss, spouse, parents that come first then it's no wonder you're feeling fed up with life.

You're not giving enough of your time and energy to yourself. You are not doing anything wrong if you make yourself a priority. In fact, it is essential. If you're not at your best then, no matter how much you're giving, nobody in your life is getting your best.

You need to take care of yourself first: body, mind and soul, before you start dishing parts of yourself to others.

2. They ask for help. Nobody can do it on their own. Each of us has only one body and we are only capable of so much. People who have their life in balance seek the help of others.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Instead, it gives you a chance to  a) sort out other things in your life
b) get things done faster.
Ask for advice, help, resources when you can to make your life easier.

3. They don't expect everything to be perfect. Most of us are trying way too hard to obtain an unachievable state of perfection in our lives. This is never going happen. Life moves in waves-- high tides and low.

 It's not realistic to expect that every part of your life is going run smoothly at the same time. We are human; we get sick; we get into disputes; we're thrown curve balls. It's more a matter of how to positively deal with things rather than expecting every moment of your life to be perfect.

4. They celebrate the good, deal with the bad. Some people don't take time to rejoice over the good things that happen in their lives. As I said above, they're too busy trying to make everything perfect to see what is actually going right in their lives.

Others fail to acknowledge the parts of their lives that need tweaking. They either don't want to admit they are making a mistake, or don't know how to address certain issues in their lives. But people in balance know that they have to deal with the things keeping them out of balance and take the time to appreciate all the ways life is being good to them.

Having a balanced life is a day to day thing. It's not something you do once and forget about. It takes making yourself a priority, asking for help when needed, dealing with issues that may be holding you back and not expecting life to be perfect.

Is jealousy really wrong?

For the record, jealousy is not envy. They are not interchangeable, because they reflect two different emotioal states and social situations.

Envy is when you want something you don't have. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have.

 For example, if you want your friend's boyfriend/girfriend then you are envious of your friend, but if you see your boyfriend/girlfriend getting along with someone else, and you fear being replaced for that person then you are jealous.

Between the two, only envy is considered a sin. The only way jealousy becomes a sin is when it turns to wrath where you would go to extreme measures to protect what you feel belongs to you.

Remember, if you want what is not yours, you are envious. If you are afriad of losing what is yours to another, you are jealous.

Not everyone experiences envy. Some people simply do not wish for what others have; they are either perfectly content with what they do have, or feel they will get something similar eventually.

They have the ability to be genuinally happy for people without feeling sad or less-than because they don't have the same thing.

Thus, while envy is a common sin, it is not experienced by all. The term "they do not have a jealous bone in their body" should actually be "they do not have an envious bone in their body."

Jealousy is far more common than envy. Even someone who does not envy can feel jealous. It's animal nature to fear being replaced, losing something that is important, or giving up something you feel belongs to you.

 Highly jealous people may be clingy; they may not share often; and may act possessive or entitled to the things and people in their life.

A jelaous boyfriend won't like the idea of his girlfriend having other male friends, because even if he trusts his girlfriend, he views the other males as a threat. All throughout the animal kingdom we see displays of jealous behaviour. Whether it is a fight for resources, or mates, virtually every animal want to protects what they feel is theirs.

In some cultures, jealousy is actually promoted. It is seen as a healthy way to create competition and encourage others to improve themselves. After all, if you feel someone might take your position, you'll most likely work harder to keep it.

These cultures inject this fear of being replaced heavily so the people are constantly investing time, energy, and money into keeping hold of something forever.

Think of the idea of youth. Americans are so bombarded with the idea of being young and fresh that even a 25 year old would feel aged. They begin to feel jealous of those who are still in their teens not because they themselves want to be 16, but they don't want to lose some of privilages that Americans associate with being young. Jealousy comes in many forms.

It is also used to teach people not to take things for granted. Perhaps you have made someone jealous in order to remind them how important you are to them.

Where jealousy becomes a negative is when we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep what belongs to you.

Much like an envious person who goes to great lengths to steal something away, a jealous person can react in the same negative way in order to keep it.

 We've heard of the jealous lover that kills her opponent, or even the jealous friend that spreads rumors to make the other person look bad. When jealousy causes us to behave negatively: lying, cheating, hurting; or when it begins to rule us making us anxious, depressed, suspcious all the time, then it is wrong.

Envy in any stage is wrong, but a little jealousy is not wrong.

Favoritism in friendships Pt 3

If you've ever felt as if you've been put on the outside of a friendship, forced to watched your friends act out their lovely friendship then you may relate to this.

Often without warning, you start to notice one or more of your friends treat each other better than you. You feel left out, unloved, and as if you are losing your friends. It's not that your friends don't care for you but you notice that perhaps one of them is playing favorites and unfortunately, you're not the favorite friend.

This favoritism is seen in a number of ways: better gifts, longer and more frequent hangouts, shared secrets, being asked to attend important events, doing more favors, letting them get away with more, taking their side in an argument, constantly praising them, and simply being a different person (perhaps bubblier or nicer).

At first you don't want to think your friend is opting for another friend besides you; after all, you're all friends so why should they act so different towards them. Then you may question just that, why are they acting so different? Then you begin to get jealous and insecurties form that you are being replaced or demoted.

It's not a matter of being jealous of your friend but being resentful of the situation. Why is it alway them and not me? Why are they being treated so well and not me? I thought I was your friend too.

I've seen how a jealous friend can react in more than one incidence. They may try to sabatoge the friendship. They may act possessive over the friend playing favorites. They may decide to end the friendship with both parties or ask the favorite friend to choose.

Friendships are serious things and if you've ever felt like you were losing yours you'll know you it's not uncommon to act irrational.

However, before doing something that may end your friendship for good, consider talking to those who are hurting you. Explain that you feel left out and no longer part of the team. Let them know that while you are happy for their friendship, you don't want to lose the people close to you because of it.

You cannot always avoid becoming that friend that gets left out or second best, but you may be able to keep your friendship from going down under by talking about it. 

Favoritisim in friendships Pt 2

Groups of friends can always be a challenge. It can get cliquey; there may be backstabbing, and you may notice that you're being left out or leaving someone out.

But what do you when you are the friend playing favorites and don't see anything wrong with it?

Several years ago, I met a girl that would test my friendships. For the sake of this, I'll address her as Ann. She was not a backstabber, or a gossip, she didn't try to hurt anyone.She was sweet, caring, and thoughtful. In other words, she was a perfect friend and I'm blessed to know her. In fact, there were 2 other girls that were blessed to know her.

The issue was how each of the friends felt about the other. I had my best friend who I had known for years; the other girl knew Ann the longest, and Ann regarded me as her closest friend. So although there was a general attachment to eachother, there were different bonds being formed between all of us.

Where the problem grew was when Ann's long time friend began to feel jealous that Ann and I were so close. I had noticed that there was a connection between her and I that was different from her and our other friend.

The problem was Ann was not afraid to make it known that I was her closest friend. One day, I told Ann that our other friend was getting jealous of our friendship and I suggested we try to equalize the way we treat eachother when we all hangout. Ann's response still stays with me "Is it wrong that I like you best? You're my best friend!"

The way Ann viewed me, was the way I view my own bestfriend. I wanted to talk to her first, see her most, help her first. It made me think, is it actually wrong to treat another person better if you feel a closer connection with them? It's one thing to be the jealous friend who feels they may lose their friend, but it's another to be the person playing favorites and feel justified to it.

Sometimes you don't know you're playing favorites. You simply gravitate to a person without notice. This is how it begins in most cases. Slowly, without notice or even concern, you grow closer to someone until you can't help but feel a tight bond between them.

Ann was not able to hide her feelings towards me. What's more she didn't feel the need to. To her, bestfriends should not have to censor how much they care for each other simply because someone is jealous. But our jealous friend did not understand how someone she knew first and longest could not have the same bond with her. She told me, I already had a bestfriend and to not steal Ann away.

 The situation was only remedied when I decided I'd let Ann and our friend have their hangouts without me, while Ann and I would hangout separately. My jealous friend was still jealous but she was at least saved from watching Ann act sugar towards me.

Ann tested my friendships with both my friends. For one, I found her company so enjoyable that at times I preferred seeing her over others; Also, there is a feeling of knowing someone is very fond of you that makes you want to see them even more. I felt I was neglecting my other friendships at times. I began to get irritated with my jealous friend because she began to dictate when I could and could not see Ann, and made me feel guilty for spending time with her. Finally, I was taught by Ann that some people cannot hide or tame their affections. It's as if they like letting everyone around them know who is the most important person to them.

Ann and I are still good friends; she's still the same; still regards me as her bestfriend and does not feel the need to hide it. For someone like Ann, it may be best to have your cute little friendship away from jealous eyes.

Favortisim in friendships Pt 1

She doesn't treat me the same way she treats you. Have you ever been in a friendship where a game of favorites was being played?

Even when I was younger, I never liked big groups of friends. I preferred to have one absolute bestfriend, a few close friends, and some acquaintances. I usually kept my hangouts small (one or two people) and would prioritize according to the deepness of the friendship. (If my best friend and my acquaintance were both having a party I'd attend my best friend's and set up another hangout date for the other person)

But when you're young, such as in junior high, the idea of a tight group of friends is appealing. A bit like sex and the city, you have more than one person to lean on, spend time with etc. It was around my preteen stage that I decided to test out group friendships and having more than one best friend.

However, psychologically we connect better with some people more than others. Perhaps we feel more free to share with them, have more in common, or have a better time. Even in a group of four friends, you'll have that one person you feel most connected to. That doesn't mean you don't all get along but you may not interact in the same way.

Of course when you're young you don't understand this and I didn't always see the slight favoritism that can happen in friendships.

When I was young, I was very close friends with two girls. Both were important to me and neither was more my friend than the other. But one day one of them confessed she was having a hard time in the friendship, because she felt our friend was treating me better.

I didn't see it from my friend's point of view at first, but after a while I started noticing little things that confirmed my friend's suspicion. Our mutual friend had a tendency to react sweeter towards me, share more with me, and invite me out me more often. This caused a tension between me and my hurt friend where a jealousy built up to the point where my friend said she no longer wanted to be friends with either of us.

At that point, I was very young. Too young to know how to fairly deal with the situation. But as I got older I realized many people go through this and even encountered it when I was a few years older.

The second time it happened, I asked my friend why she treated me different trying to explain how it hurt our other friend. She said she didn't notice a difference--that she liked us both the same. But her behavior contradicted the claim. Interestingly enough, I ended up being closer friends with the girl that felt left out.

Recently, I find myself in a similar situation. And have begun to notice a pattern when it comes to these situations

1. It's never simple one thing. A serious of events take place that the jealous person notices. As these little moments build up so does the tension.This habit of letting it slide until you're ready to burst makes it difficult to approach the person hurting you. A problem that can be fixed early on, turns into a large fight that leaves people deeply hurt.

2. The jealous friend rarely confronts the friend playing favorites, instead they confide in or even take their anger out on the favorite friend. In one case, I was the new friend and was accused of trying to breakup the friendship. While I don't oppose saying something on behalf of someone else if the situation does concern you, I believe more that people need to talk to the person that is actually hurting them. There is no possible way someone can know how you feel unless you say something. If you are not sure how to go about, let someone help you come up with a diplomatic way to address the situation but it has to be you that expresses your feelings.

3. The favorite friend may wrongly take sides or passively sit in the middle. It can be easy to see one side more than the other, but this puts you at the risk of ruining your friendships. It's also not always best to have an "oh well" attitude. In all vain honesty, it's nice being the favorite friend but it doesn't feel nice to lose a friend over it. It's a good idea to let your two friends have some one on one time. They may need to rekindle the friendship. Also, bring it to your friend's attention that they do play favorites and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes a person is doing something wrong and they don't even know.

It isn't wrong if you connect with one person more than another, but it's not fair to blatantly treat someone as if they aren't as special. 

Always be a flower

In the search for love or friendship look for someone who see your beauty in all stages of your life. Look for someone who will say “I will be there when you are no more than a budding seed; I will be there when you begin to blossom, and I will be there when your petals begin to fall because no matter what you will always be a flower.” Don’t look for someone who only wants you at your best-- blossomed with your full beauty too obvious to miss. Their eyes will turn away when you are not a typical beauty. Don’t look for someone who wants you as a seed: fragile, vulnerable, and needy.  Their need to be depended on will make it difficult to grow and find your own sense of self. Look for someone who appreciates and see all your beauty and awe in each moment of your life.