I don't believe in positive thinking

I believe in positive “feeling.”

The age old theory is, if you tell your mind something enough times it will start to believe it. But just because I tell myself “I am pretty” a hundred times doesn’t mean I “feel” pretty. A dozen people can tell me I’m pretty I still won’t feel it because I don’t believe it.

Self help people try to tell you to change your thinking, but that doesn’t necessarily change the feelings associated to the thoughts and it doesn’t change the behaviors.  Thinking good thoughts doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to gain good feelings or even attempt living a better life.

For some, it does; they can do the affirmations and mental exercises and change things but for me, I can’t get my mind to believe what it doesn’t feel. I have to first change my feelings and that triggers more positive thoughts and actions.

I can’t just feed my mind nice phrases; I need to feed my heart good feelings. Because if I feel sad, ugly, low ect, it’s going to be hard to get my mind to think otherwise all on its own. I have to give it something to work with.

I usually do this 3 ways

1.  Gratitude and being being grateful. Being grateful is one of the fastest ways to get good feelings. If you’re reading this, you have access to the internet and that is something to be grateful for considering so many people don’t.

Gratitude opens you up  to the things you already have. That means, despite what you may lack, there are things that you don’t have to worry about bringing into life. It’s one less thing for you to deal with.

Maybe you don’t like the way your legs look, but if you’re not in a wheelchair be grateful; if you are in a wheelchair be grateful you at least have a wheelchair to get around in.

Grateful people rarely get depressed, because they feel a sense of appreciation for what they do have and they realize they have something others wish they did. This can give a positive feeling where you’re not focussed on all the things you wish you had.

It doesn’t come just by thinking you’re glad you can walk or you have friends, it’s feeling blessed and not taking it for granted because you could lose that thing.

2. Hope. Hope can make you feel more positive because it can inspire you. You can draw out this hope from your own life and from others.

You may not feel good now, but it probably isn’t the first time you had to deal with something. You got through that so the idea becomes, I can get through this ordeal. Looking to others also does this. For example, lots of people around the world have battled addiction and won. Thus, it’s not an impossible feat and can you feel hopeful that you could also conquer it.

When you are hopeful, you are at least willing to accept the possibility that things can improve. This helps it become more believable when you plug  positive thoughts into your brain. Because you’re not just saying “it will get better” you actually feel hopeful that it will be.

3. DO something positive. Simply sitting around trying to think positive isn’t really helpful. Doing something positive can help you feel more positive, which helps you think more positive. This is especially helpful when you don’t feel hopeful or particularly grateful.

Doing, gives you something to actually work with. You start to see that while you don’t feel ok, at least you are trying. It doesn’t have to be life changing or heroic. Just doing something small, like watching your favorite movie or taking your dog out for a walk can help stir up some positive feelings.

For me, working with “feelings” and not just thoughts is more helpful because it helps me enter a state of “being.” This helps me become a grateful person or become a hopeful, positive person.

So while I might not think I’m pretty, or ok, or have any positive thought, I at least don’t have any deeply set negative feelings because my “being” is in a state of positivity. When that happens, it’s easier to get the mind to believe the positive thoughts that I feed it.

Why do bad things happen to good people

A friend of mine made a post asking the following two questions below. I wanted to share my response to him.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why don’t bad people get punished?

Well, to quickly answer the second question…bad people do get punished.

Most “bad” people have internal struggles. Even if on the outside they look fine they are obviously dealing with something that is negative enough for them to inflict pain or conflict on others. They don’t have inner peace. To go through life without the peaceful content feeling is a struggle, even if you have everything else. So most “bad” people are suffering daily internally.

To address the first question…

Sometimes what seems like a bad thing, can be a blessing. When I had to leave school because of my illness I was distraught. I had a student loan to pay, no job, my health was miserable, and I thought I’d never be able to attend school again. But the situation forced me to look at other options and my life is actually better now, even with my illness, than it was before. I’ve created a life for myself that suites me better. I’m going to school, I’m working and I paid off my loan.

2. Sometimes it’s your fault. Yes I know it sucks to admit it, but sometimes we make mistakes that we could have avoided if we just listened to ourselves. There is a voice that tells you “don’t date that guy/girl” “don’t listen to those people” “don’t go down that road”, but we don’t always listen and terrible things can happen as a result. This is why the past can be your friend. If you live to tell about it, learn from it.

3. Most of what we call “bad things” is just life. Life flows in waves. Sometimes you get nice soft waves. Sometimes it feels like the sea itself is tossing itself on you. You just have to try and deal with it the best you can. Use your resources, talk to people, and remeber that nothing last forever; the problem will pass.

4. We are a bit too tolerant. Good people have a tendancy to put up with crap that they don’t need to. If more people spoke up, half the problems in this world wouldn’t exist. But people stay quiet when they should be shouting at the top of their lungs. If something is bothering you, say something Fix it while you have more control over it, instead hoping it goes way. It’s ok to put up a fight for your own happiness. It’s your life, after all.

Never ever do this

Never let anyone manipulate you into destroying your self esteem. They will own you, and will give you up to the world to devour you. Though it might be hard to ignore the brutal words of others (especially if they are coming from someone who is supposed to love you) you must try to retain some self worth and confidence in this world. It is all you ever really have. Don't put too much effort into pleasing others, instead use your efforts to love yourself. Let people say what they want and think what they want, but never let them trick you into sharing their negative thoughts.

When you feel life is unfair remember this

When you feel life is unfair--that the pressure is too much, or you are exhausted from trying, remember that the flowers must start out as buds. They must wait for the rains and the sun to come and go. Up and out from the ground, they must push themselves in order to be the beauties we all stop and admire. Do not be afraid of life's challenges. Celebrate the rain, the sun, and before long you will be like the blossomed flower: beautiful and admirable.

Photo is my own. The wild rose is native to my Province.

XX 

How to achieve a balanced life

One of the most difficult things to do in life is to keep your life in balance. If you meet someone who looks as if all is going well for them, they are usually working very hard at it.

 General life obligations, and personal expectations make the art of living a very challenging one to master. Something in your life may be going great while another is part of your life is falling apart. And lets not forget the moments when it seem as if everything is crumbling around you.

Some people never feel in balance with their life. They never feel life hands them what they want, when they want it or they feel exhausted at constantly having to keep things in balance.

But if you look at people whose lives do look joyous, peaceful and balanced you may be see a some common elements.

1. They make themselves a priority. If you're always committing to others, never making time for yourself and the things that make you happy; if it's always your friends, kids, boss, spouse, parents that come first then it's no wonder you're feeling fed up with life.

You're not giving enough of your time and energy to yourself. You are not doing anything wrong if you make yourself a priority. In fact, it is essential. If you're not at your best then, no matter how much you're giving, nobody in your life is getting your best.

You need to take care of yourself first: body, mind and soul, before you start dishing parts of yourself to others.

2. They ask for help. Nobody can do it on their own. Each of us has only one body and we are only capable of so much. People who have their life in balance seek the help of others.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Instead, it gives you a chance to  a) sort out other things in your life
b) get things done faster.
Ask for advice, help, resources when you can to make your life easier.

3. They don't expect everything to be perfect. Most of us are trying way too hard to obtain an unachievable state of perfection in our lives. This is never going happen. Life moves in waves-- high tides and low.

 It's not realistic to expect that every part of your life is going run smoothly at the same time. We are human; we get sick; we get into disputes; we're thrown curve balls. It's more a matter of how to positively deal with things rather than expecting every moment of your life to be perfect.

4. They celebrate the good, deal with the bad. Some people don't take time to rejoice over the good things that happen in their lives. As I said above, they're too busy trying to make everything perfect to see what is actually going right in their lives.

Others fail to acknowledge the parts of their lives that need tweaking. They either don't want to admit they are making a mistake, or don't know how to address certain issues in their lives. But people in balance know that they have to deal with the things keeping them out of balance and take the time to appreciate all the ways life is being good to them.

Having a balanced life is a day to day thing. It's not something you do once and forget about. It takes making yourself a priority, asking for help when needed, dealing with issues that may be holding you back and not expecting life to be perfect.

Is jealousy really wrong?

For the record, jealousy is not envy. They are not interchangeable, because they reflect two different emotioal states and social situations.

Envy is when you want something you don't have. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have.

 For example, if you want your friend's boyfriend/girfriend then you are envious of your friend, but if you see your boyfriend/girlfriend getting along with someone else, and you fear being replaced for that person then you are jealous.

Between the two, only envy is considered a sin. The only way jealousy becomes a sin is when it turns to wrath where you would go to extreme measures to protect what you feel belongs to you.

Remember, if you want what is not yours, you are envious. If you are afriad of losing what is yours to another, you are jealous.

Not everyone experiences envy. Some people simply do not wish for what others have; they are either perfectly content with what they do have, or feel they will get something similar eventually.

They have the ability to be genuinally happy for people without feeling sad or less-than because they don't have the same thing.

Thus, while envy is a common sin, it is not experienced by all. The term "they do not have a jealous bone in their body" should actually be "they do not have an envious bone in their body."

Jealousy is far more common than envy. Even someone who does not envy can feel jealous. It's animal nature to fear being replaced, losing something that is important, or giving up something you feel belongs to you.

 Highly jealous people may be clingy; they may not share often; and may act possessive or entitled to the things and people in their life.

A jelaous boyfriend won't like the idea of his girlfriend having other male friends, because even if he trusts his girlfriend, he views the other males as a threat. All throughout the animal kingdom we see displays of jealous behaviour. Whether it is a fight for resources, or mates, virtually every animal want to protects what they feel is theirs.

In some cultures, jealousy is actually promoted. It is seen as a healthy way to create competition and encourage others to improve themselves. After all, if you feel someone might take your position, you'll most likely work harder to keep it.

These cultures inject this fear of being replaced heavily so the people are constantly investing time, energy, and money into keeping hold of something forever.

Think of the idea of youth. Americans are so bombarded with the idea of being young and fresh that even a 25 year old would feel aged. They begin to feel jealous of those who are still in their teens not because they themselves want to be 16, but they don't want to lose some of privilages that Americans associate with being young. Jealousy comes in many forms.

It is also used to teach people not to take things for granted. Perhaps you have made someone jealous in order to remind them how important you are to them.

Where jealousy becomes a negative is when we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep what belongs to you.

Much like an envious person who goes to great lengths to steal something away, a jealous person can react in the same negative way in order to keep it.

 We've heard of the jealous lover that kills her opponent, or even the jealous friend that spreads rumors to make the other person look bad. When jealousy causes us to behave negatively: lying, cheating, hurting; or when it begins to rule us making us anxious, depressed, suspcious all the time, then it is wrong.

Envy in any stage is wrong, but a little jealousy is not wrong.

The process of becoming perfect

“Call me when you have your shit together” I’ve never liked this phrase, because although it implies that you won’t settle, it also imposes a certain amount of pressure to be perfect on the person being told to “get their shit together.” When my friend said it recently, I wasn’t able to hide my dislike for the phrase and replied “do you know how hard it is to get your shit together?”

“Do you have any idea how much support it takes to get your shit together?”

“People don’t just magically wake up with their shit together. They have to go throw a very trying, difficult, challenging and sometimes insecure periods of their life in order to become the person they want to be.”

I look at humans at works of art in progress and let’s be honest most us appreciate the final product of great art. But no great art magically got like that. Someone put a lot of time and effort to create it, so as much praise as the final product should get an even greater amount of appreciation should go towards the actual process of its creation.

Like any goal, it takes work and hours of commitment to achieve that goal. If you’ve ever achieved any level of success you’ll know what I’m talking about. You have to go through an unglamorous period where you’re building yourself whether that be your self-esteem, your skill, your knowledge etc.

The problem with many people is they don’t always take time to appreciate the process.  They don’t get enthusiastic about becoming who they want to be; they simply want to be it.

They don’t decide to like themselves until they have reached that goal. When they look in the mirror and see someone worthy of their love then they like themselves and feel more confident in seeking love from someone else.

 This imposition of perfection on themselves seeps out where they unknowingly expect it from others. They don’t want to deal with the “seed” of a person they want the blossomed flower—pretty and perfect. 

The frightening part about this is you are not given permission to fail and go through the “unpretty” stages of life freely. You’re just supposed to somehow “get your shit together. But unless you are able to go through the process of creating who you want to become with as much freedom to fail as you would have to succeed, it’s very difficult to successfully do it.

Humans are always under construction; we are never “finished products.” We become and desire different things in different stages in our lives. In other words, we will never truly have our shit together. All we can do is try and if you are diligently trying then what more should you ask of yourself or even anyone else.

What I think the world needs is less demand on being super beings and more acceptance of being who we feel makes us happy.

I asked my friend, “Wouldn’t you want someone who was willing to be with you in all stages of your life so long as you were trying.  Whether you’re a master in your field, up and coming or are picking yourself up after a heartbreaking fall, wouldn’t you like someone that is willing to be both encouraging and sympathetic.”

We should be patience and enthusiastic about our life and with others. We should see that the seed of a rose and the last decaying petal is still a rose—not demand that it quickly grow into its beauty and then remain like that forever. 

Popping Out Procrastination

I read somewhere that one way to get rid of procrastination is to give yourself more to do. I questioned this at first, thinking about how I tend to do next to nothing when I have so much to do. But I was curious to see if it might work.

I'm generally a "busy" person. I have school work, employment work, friends to meet, appointments to keep, stuff to do. I'm also someone that doesn't put things off for too long. If I have an assignment due at the end of the month,you can bet that it will be in by the second last week at the latest. But I noticed I tend to drag my feet at times, doing nothing for days or making minor attempts at being productive. It's not that I wanted to be more busy, but I did want the feeling of getting something done each and every day. Therefore, I took the article's advice and gave myself more to do.

I started another blog, took another course, made more plans with my friends.

At first, I felt the same feeling of being overwhlemed and thus doing nothing. I also got very sick and couldn't do anything. With more on my plate, this only put me further behind making me feel stressed.

 But somehow, without my notice, I was doing more and doing better at the things I was doing. I was too busy to put it off for another day. The strangest part was, I didn't feel exhausted. Tired, perhaps, but not dead from the weight of all the things I had to do.

I was puzzeled considering I was always busy. I always had things to do. I was always telling myself to get things done, making lists of task and forcing myself to get things done. There's no force now. I'm simply doing things.

I still don't know why it works, but it does. It's not as if I'm rushing around trying to do 10 things in a day, I'm doing maybe 5 and getting them done without complaining or dread, even tasks I hate. It's as if I pop the procrastination bubble before it gets too large and makes me lag for days.

My friends who aren't procrastinators, I notice have very busy scheduals. They usually have full plates and are juggling multiple day to day routines. They work, attend class, have several hobbies, volunteer and make time for their loved ones. It's as if the body gets programed to get up and moving when the mind keeps prompting it with more tasks. You find yourself completeling things you used to put off for days.

I'm not sure if it will work for everyone. I'm still surprised it worked for me. But if you tend to procrastinate, try giving yourself a few more things to do. This is not to say you should overload yourself. That isn't healthy. But within reason, add one of two more things to your things to do list. You may find yourself getting more done.