I don't believe in positive thinking

I believe in positive “feeling.”

The age old theory is, if you tell your mind something enough times it will start to believe it. But just because I tell myself “I am pretty” a hundred times doesn’t mean I “feel” pretty. A dozen people can tell me I’m pretty I still won’t feel it because I don’t believe it.

Self help people try to tell you to change your thinking, but that doesn’t necessarily change the feelings associated to the thoughts and it doesn’t change the behaviors.  Thinking good thoughts doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to gain good feelings or even attempt living a better life.

For some, it does; they can do the affirmations and mental exercises and change things but for me, I can’t get my mind to believe what it doesn’t feel. I have to first change my feelings and that triggers more positive thoughts and actions.

I can’t just feed my mind nice phrases; I need to feed my heart good feelings. Because if I feel sad, ugly, low ect, it’s going to be hard to get my mind to think otherwise all on its own. I have to give it something to work with.

I usually do this 3 ways

1.  Gratitude and being being grateful. Being grateful is one of the fastest ways to get good feelings. If you’re reading this, you have access to the internet and that is something to be grateful for considering so many people don’t.

Gratitude opens you up  to the things you already have. That means, despite what you may lack, there are things that you don’t have to worry about bringing into life. It’s one less thing for you to deal with.

Maybe you don’t like the way your legs look, but if you’re not in a wheelchair be grateful; if you are in a wheelchair be grateful you at least have a wheelchair to get around in.

Grateful people rarely get depressed, because they feel a sense of appreciation for what they do have and they realize they have something others wish they did. This can give a positive feeling where you’re not focussed on all the things you wish you had.

It doesn’t come just by thinking you’re glad you can walk or you have friends, it’s feeling blessed and not taking it for granted because you could lose that thing.

2. Hope. Hope can make you feel more positive because it can inspire you. You can draw out this hope from your own life and from others.

You may not feel good now, but it probably isn’t the first time you had to deal with something. You got through that so the idea becomes, I can get through this ordeal. Looking to others also does this. For example, lots of people around the world have battled addiction and won. Thus, it’s not an impossible feat and can you feel hopeful that you could also conquer it.

When you are hopeful, you are at least willing to accept the possibility that things can improve. This helps it become more believable when you plug  positive thoughts into your brain. Because you’re not just saying “it will get better” you actually feel hopeful that it will be.

3. DO something positive. Simply sitting around trying to think positive isn’t really helpful. Doing something positive can help you feel more positive, which helps you think more positive. This is especially helpful when you don’t feel hopeful or particularly grateful.

Doing, gives you something to actually work with. You start to see that while you don’t feel ok, at least you are trying. It doesn’t have to be life changing or heroic. Just doing something small, like watching your favorite movie or taking your dog out for a walk can help stir up some positive feelings.

For me, working with “feelings” and not just thoughts is more helpful because it helps me enter a state of “being.” This helps me become a grateful person or become a hopeful, positive person.

So while I might not think I’m pretty, or ok, or have any positive thought, I at least don’t have any deeply set negative feelings because my “being” is in a state of positivity. When that happens, it’s easier to get the mind to believe the positive thoughts that I feed it.

Hey there, July

Hey there July, have you come to break my heart or kick start it? Are you looking for a victim or a friend? I could be smiling, tearing up from summer time laughter or shedding streaks of summer time blues. July, you bring so much excitment. The thrill of your arrival is too much for one girl sometimes.

 Ah, but you never make any promises, not real ones anyway. Sunny days, heated nights, sun soaked memories and stormy thunderous serenades. July can make you do anything and be anything. It can leave you blissed from summer sweetness as you run through the streets chasing your summer star or leave you wading through it's pool of summer sadness.

Hey there July, will you make me smile or make me cry?

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Is it a sin to be unhappy?

Have you ever been sitting in your room alone, ready to burst into tears, or possibly already in tears and no one knows it. No one even knows that anything is wrong because you don’t want them to know. You walk through your life with a smile that hides the frown in your heart, hoping that no one guesses because you don’t want to seem unhappy?

Our society has made it almost impossible for anyone to be openly unhappy. Look at the way we treat those who have come out of the “unhappy closet.”  They’re seen as bad luck, as if being unhappy is a disease that spreads to others, they are often ignored, and in many cases asked to just get happy, as if they are choosing to be unhappy. 

What we’ve been taught is that if we’re going to be unhappy, do it on our own time where no one else has to deal with it. Thus the 14 year old who is battling depression struggles on their own. The 30 year old business man who is grieving has to leave his sadness at the door and the elderly woman who feels alone has to find a way to just get over it.

What’s more, being unhappy  is thought of as so taboo that one must cure it immediately, eat something, buy something, and leave the country if you have to, but fix your unhappiness. But the problem is, if I can’t be open about being unhappy, how am I going to get happy again?

The problem with happiness is it’s become synonymous with joy. It’s not. Joy is a great spiritual feeling that sits inside of you. Happiness is an emotion. And like all emotions it comes and goes. You may wake up one morning feeling happy, but by the end of the day enough has happened to make you unhappy. Happiness is always linked with something external. We fall in love, we’re happy. We go on a great vacation and we’re happy but if we lose that love we naturally become unhappy. Because happiness is not something that is meant to be experienced consistently we as a society need to stop pressuring people to always be happy. Negative things happen that make us unhappy and allowing ourselves to just feel unhappy actually helps you to heal from it faster.

But when you are forced to grin and bear it, you actually prolong your unhappiness. For one, you’re keeping a secret that causes you stress. It would be easier to say, I broke up with someone and I’m having a hard time with it, instead of pretending to fine.

Two, you are forcing yourself to be in an unnatural state. Can you force yourself to be angry when you’re not? Probably not, and you can’t force yourself to be happy when you’re not. But when we can’t admit our unhappiness that’s exactly what we’re doing. It’s like living two lives, the fake happy one and the real unhappy one. 

Three, you become target to more unhappiness. When one thing is wrong it seems more follows. Because you are trying to suppress all that unhappiness, you’re actually very sensitized to it. All it takes it is one word or action and it all comes back up. You’re more vulnerable. It’s like carrying a large stack or plates, you’re so focused on keeping it under control, but even the smallest nudge can make it all come down.  The littlest things start to get to you, and the simple unhappiness becomes a deep depression.

Being unhappy isn’t a sin, it’s a perfectly natural reaction to negative events in our lives. It’s to help us know and understand what we don’t like and what to avoid. It’s an emotion, like anger and sadness and it comes and goes.